I haven’t posted anything in a while. Not really sure why, but my lack of writing has been fairly pervasive since I went back to school.

“I’m a Sun Devil Jerry!”

A month ago I started attending Arizona State University in an effort to finish my undergraduate degree. When my peers moved on from High school to matriculate in their collegiate career I found myself dutifully employed as an Information Technology professional during what was later to be called the “Dot-com boom.”

Seeminly most people go to college to acquire or specialize in some skill that will later give them a career path, and as such I was an IT professional I didn’t need that particular educational path to provide me with prosperity.

Now, here I am, some 15 years later attending a prestigious University working toward a degree.

I’m going to attempt to use this blog space to comment on that experience as I work through it, and hopefully find some joy and fluidity in the writing itself.

More to come…

As a fairly well spoken, successful adult in my mid thirties, when people find out I’m a professional wrestling fan they often seem confused. “You know its fake right?” It’s difficult for someone not in the know to understand the appeal of two oiled up men rolling around together. They often see professional wrestling for what it is on the surface, and I’ll go so far to agree that if you don’t come to the show with a base level of understanding you’ll never quite understand the appeal.

The irony of professional wrestling is that people who outright dismiss it as a low brow, “Soap Opera for Men” don’t fully understand the nuanced performance and requisite skill required to perform at the professional level, nor do they understand the subtleties of the performance and dismiss it with the tried and true, “you know it’s fake, right?” They equate a professional wrestling match to a boxing match, and since it’s a scripted performance where the winner is pre-determined, it is an inferior form of entertainment. What they’re missing is that professional wrestling is more akin to ballet than boxing, and should you watch it through that lens you’ll understand a little more what the appeal is to millions and millions of fans around the world.

Before I delve into my personal love for the art, let me first give a little bit of history regarding how professional wrestling really became what it was today.

The first name on your road to becoming a fan, or at very least understanding the appeal of pro wrestling begins, not with a man named Hulk Hogan, but a man named Lou Thesz. Lou Thesz is generally considered the greatest wrestler of the 20^th century and invented many of the moves wrestlers still use today. More importantly was that Lou Thesz was so wildly popular that he would sell out arenas and propelled professional wrestling from being a sideshow attraction to a mainstream form of entertainment. He really opened the door for making professional wrestling what it is today.

There are many names between to be talked about, but let’s fast forward fifty years and we get to Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Vince McMahon, having just taken of the World Wide Wrestling Federation had one of the hottest promotions, one of the hottest stars, and a great idea. Vince McMahon took the numerous professional wrestling territories, created a international brand, founded the wrestling “superbowl” (Wrestlemania!) and turned a former fat kid named Terry Bollea into one of the most recognizable figures in the world.

I remember vividly watching wrestling on Saturday mornings with my father and when Hulk Hogan would march down to the ring I legitimately threw up my arms in celebration and flexed my own “pythons.” Now, I don’t discount that my connection to both my youthful exuberance and my now deceased father both contribute to my fandom, but that’s not all of it.

There are two important terms that fans of professional wrestling throw around a lot; “Mark” and “Smart.” A mark is someone who thinks it’s a real fight, while a smart understands it’s a performance. Even those of us considered “smarts” occasionally “mark out” when something legitimately surprises us or something happens in a match that is worth celebrating. Imagine watching Swan Lake and one of the ballerinas climbs up on a balcony rail and pirouettes perfectly only inches away from death. The crown rises to applaud the show of skill… that’s marking out. This is important because those “marking out” moments are what we, the intelligent professional wrestling fan, wait for.

So, let me outline a couple of different type of matches and what the appeal is for me.

Match #1:

The music hits and wrestler number 1, let’s call him Adam comes down to the ring. Adam is a skilled performer, whose moves all look very authentic. He’s charismatic, has excellent verbal skills on the mic, and is rarely boring. He also knows how to “bump” (fall) extremely well and takes a beating with gusto. Music hits for wrestler number two, let’s call him Matt, comes down to the ring. Matt is also a seasoned and convincing performer, not as crisp on the microphone as Adam is, and as such hasn’t quite broken through to main event status. If this was just a normal match, I’d watch this as a performance. I’d watch how they call the match (though the winner is pre-determined, the choreography is done on the fly), and how they interact and execute the moves. I appreciate not only the well performed body slam, but the convincing way the guy being slammed writhes in pain and “sells” the move. I let myself “mark out” a bit waiting for the finish and overall found it to be pretty entertaining.

Match #2:

Imagine the exact same scenario as above, with a small exception. Matt, in real life, was dating one of the female wrestlers. Not long ago Matt was injured and left the road to rehab. While on the road Adam and Matt’s girlfriend (let’s call her Amy) began having an actual affair. Matt returned from the road to find out his actual friend and his actual girlfriend were sleeping together. Management has gotten wind of this and decided to turn it into a story-line and take advantage of the “realism” the actual scenario would provide. Adam and Matt are looking across the ring at each other and they’re job is to put on a good show and NOT injure each other. Of course, in this particular match the punches look a little more real than normal.

Match #3:

Adam and Matt are at it again, except this time they’re performing at “Wrestlemania,” the biggest show of the year in a match called “Tables, Ladders, and Chairs.” Matt and Adam work the match with “spots” (specific spectacular moves) that range from falling from the top of a fifteen foot high ladder through a table. The match is finally won when Adam retrieves a belt hanging from a table fifteen feet above the ring floor. This is Adam’s first championship, which is a recognition by the company that Adam has achieved a personal level of success and thus is worthy of being the “face” of the company. He’s respected by his peers and fans alike and deserves a run with the belt.

In all three of the examples above, what I find entertaining is the same; two professionals performing at the highest level in a violent ballet that is meant to look convincing and be exciting and if done right accomplishes both. From the ring of the bell to the final count of three, the match itself tells a story and, even to a “smart” like myself, is unpredictable and surprising. In match 1, it’s all about their skill. In Match 2 it’s about their skill and their professionalism in not letting personal feelings get in the way of protecting their partner. In Match 3, its also about the respect for these two performers to put their own bodies on the line for the sake of entertaining the fans and the recognition that Adam has proven himself worthy of a championship run.

Something that most people overlook and dismiss with the “you know it’s fake” comment is that professional wrestlers, while trained, still risk their well being every night because they truly love entertaining in their specific art form. Like a ballerina who sacrifices her own physical health through intense and robust training, professional wrestlers spend hours perfecting their moves, bodies, and performance skills all because they love their art form. For any WWE fans reading this, they’ll recognize that the first two scenarios actually happened. Recently Adam, who wrestled under the name “Edge” was forced to retire due to a neck injury. Eight years ago he broke his neck and underwent spinal fusion surgery. He rehabbed for a year, came back and gave us another seven years of his excellence.

Ironically, people who consider themselves “above” professional wrestling because of their perception that it’s two men rolling around in tights simply don’t understand the nuance of the art form. It’s possible that their pre-conceived perception won’t ever allow them see it any other way, which in my opinion is unfortunate for them.

If you’re looking for a primer on what professional wrestling is suppose to be seek out the following matches and performers:

Undertaker Vs. Shawn Michael @ Wrestlemania 23
Undertaker vs. Mankind (Mick Foley) @ King of the Ring 1998
Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels @ Wrestlemania 12
Macho Man Randy Savage Vs. Ricky The Dragon Steamboat @ Wrestlemania 3
Ric Flair vs. Ricky Steamboat @ WrestleWar ‘89

Performers who almost always put on a good match:
Shawn Michaels
Bret Hart
Undertaker
Ricky Steamboat
The Rock
Kurt Angle
Stone Cold Steve Austin

After reading Chapter four, I had aspirations of also reading chapter five and just consolidating that into one post… however; having read chapter four and most of chapter five, I have no choice but to tackle them individually.

To Recap: Chapter three ended after an incident wherein Bella was nearly killed if not for the superhuman abilities of Edward to save her, ending on the note, “That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.” If you want more detail than that, read the last blog.

Chapter 3 Review
Chapter 2 Review
Chapter 1 Review

Chapter four entitled “Invitations” starts with Bella’s description of her dream. The good news is that it’s not pornographic; the bad news is that it is sledgehammer foreshadowing. I’m actually uncomfortable using the word foreshadowing, as that implies a subtlety to it. Foreshadowing is a mere clue that something is to happen, as if you were looking at the shadow of an object, rather than the object itself.… and yes, if I were reading this book in a vacuum where the popularity of the series didn’t bleed into the realm of social media and pop-culture I wouldn’t even see it, but knowing what I know I can’t help but want to stab Stephenie Meyer in the eye with a douche nozzle. Here’s the blip I’m talking about:

“In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Edward’s skin.”

If that wasn’t bad enough, the rest of Bella’s dream is beyond cliché:

“I couldn’t see his face, just his back as he walked away from me, leaving me in the blackness. No matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t catch him; no matter how loud I called, he never turned.”

Yes, I see it… it’s a metaphor. An allegory of that which is, and that which is yet to come. I still think a barely educated eighth grade dropout could’ve been more creative.

Chapter four’s next five pages or so deal with the social aftermath of Bella’s car accident. The kid responsible feels terrible, and the guys who already were fawning over her continue to do so at an almost embarrassing level.

The driving plot point in this chapter comes from an impending “Sadie Hawkins” style dance where it’s expected that, in an homage to pre-defined gender roles that should have been long absolute in society, girls are expected to ask the boys to the dance.

What follows is a 1970’s style sitcom of errors as three boys all want Bella to ask them (and ask her to ask them) she wants nothing to do with them, all the meanwhile her friends want the boys who like her to ask them, meanwhile she’s getting manic over the fact that Edward isn’t really talking to her and in the end she makes up an excuse that she’s going to Seattle for the day and thus cannot go to the dance with any of them… all done to the sounds of thrilling circus music.

I’m serious. That all happened… except the circus music. That was only in my head.

Bella and Edward’s relation takes a turn for the strange (which I thought was impossible at this point) as time finally accelerates a bit in this chapter, taking place over many weeks rather than days as the previous chapters have. During the weeks Edward completely ignores Bella leaving her in a state of depression (yes, that word is actually used) despite the fact that she has not one, not two, but three nice boys who want to “hit that.”

Finally, after weeks of not even acknowledging her despite the fact that they sit next to each other in biology class, Edward basically tells her that he’s being a dick because he thinks it’s better that they not be friends. This all but crushes Bella’s world as she actually spends some time (what equates to about two weeks) actually thinking that Edward would rather have let her die than have to sit next to her in biology.

Oh, and check this line out:

“I sighed and opened my eyes. And Edward was staring at me curiously, that same, familiar edge of frustration even more distinct in his black eyes. I stared back, surprised, expecting him to look quickly away. But instead he continued to gaze with probing intensity into my eyes. There was no question of me looking away. My hands started to shake.”

Okay, so I’m actually kind of concerned for Bella here. She’s so wrapped up around this fella that she’s having physical reactions to him staring at her. Seriously not healthy! Later in the chapter Bella says the same thing about herself, acknowledging the level of crazy she’s reached, and I actually laughed out loud. For me, that acknowledgment was as if she turned to the camera, winked, and said “Denny Crane.”

Despite the utter lameness of the above quotation, the moment had a veil of seriousness to it until the biology teacher interrupts the staring contest and handshaking with a “Mr. Cullen?” and Edward replies, “The Kreb Cycle.”

She’s staring at him, he’s staring at her, and he’s paying attention to the teacher! I find this quite humorous, particularly because The Kreb Cycle refers to a complex series of reactions in cells that utilize oxygen as part of their respiration process, and his staring at her is causing some seriously complex reactions.

This exchange leads to Bella getting all crazy and melodramatic in the following exchange:

“It’s too bad you didn’t figure that out earlier,” I hissed through my teeth. “You could have saved yourself all this regret.”

“Regret?” The word, and my tone, obviously caught him off guard. “Regret for what?”

“For not just letting that stupid van squish me.”

He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief. When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. “You think I regret saving your life?”

“I know you do.” I snapped.

Bella is officially either a manipulative bitch or utterly stupid. Take your pick here. She either actually believes that this guy wishes she was dead or is working this angle to manipulate him. Maybe Bella is as smart as she claims she is and this is all a game. Perhaps, Bella’s actually the villain in this book and Stephenie Meyer is channeling Chuck Palahniuk in a twisting plot line of seduction and deception.

You think so?

Yeah, me neither.

Bella’s crazy ass delusionary state continues via her internal monologue as she makes (from scratch) Enchilada’s for dinner:

“My stomach twisted as I realized what he must have meant. He must see how absorbed I was by him [Denny Crane.]; he must not want to lead me on… so we couldn’t even be friends… because he wasn’t interested in me at all. Of course he wasn’t interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging – a delayed reaction to the onions [oh for fuck sake]. I wasn’t interesting. And he was. Interesting…and brilliant…and mysterious… and perfect… and beautiful…and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.”

Not much else happens in this chapter before it kind of just bleeds into Chapter five. I was recently tempted to turn these chapter reviews into youtube of audio form for you listening pleasure and I still might. We’ll see. I haven’t done a podcast in a while.

Thanks for playing with me… until next time…

Sitting on an airplane and having a little bit of time to kill, I decide I’ll read chapter three, then re-read it later so I can write a proper review and dissection of it. I open my eReader and with as much speed and secrecy I can muster and navigate to ‘Twilight’ hoping no one behind me catches what I’m reading. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to be reading it, as I’m using a very public forum to freely and openly discuss my reading of it… but the older lady next to me looks like the ‘Twilight’ type and I don’t want to spend the next two hours subtly calling her stupid or pretending she’s not.

Chapter three is entitled ‘Phenomenon’ – I find it ironic given the book thus far, but I’m under the impression that something is about to happen that exceeds the confines of typical human behavior. Before I get too far into this blog let me catch you up: Bella spends most of two chapters angry and confused that Edward seemingly doesn’t like her, and despite the rest of the school embracing the ‘new kid’ as one of their own (something in my own experience would be considered a “phenomenon”) Bella is distraught and depressed (enough to cry herself to sleep) that the beautiful creature that is Edward Cullen appears to harbor a dislike for her. When Edward (and his awesome effing hair) makes his return as her biology lab partner she learns he’s not quite the asshole she made him out to be.

Chapter three starts auspiciously with the following sentence: “When I opened my eyes this morning, something was different.” Now, despite this sentence’s cliché goodness, on my particular eReader this sentence is the end of a page, and for almost five seconds I wondered what was different in Bella’s world and how Ms. Meyer would take us, the reader, on a short but interesting ride through Bella’s mind as she ponders the events of the previous day and the ramifications of the redefinition (in her mind) of Edward’s character.

Here’s the next sentence: “It was the light.”

Nevermind then. The weather changed. Awesome. Moving on then…

Bella looks out the window to see that it had snowed the previous night and that the roads were icy. Bella, being from Phoenix is not excited about making the journey to school in such conditions.

The amount of time spent on the state of the roads over the next three pages is such heavy handed foreshadowing I can only surmise, given the title of the chapter, there is to be some skidding and sliding in our heroine’s immediate future.

This chapter also gives us a little more insight in Bella’s personality. Thus far Bella has proved to be self absorbed, depressed, and a tiny bit bi-polar. She also got a masochistic streak (as evidenced by her putting herself through the torture of leaving Phoenix for the false premise of it making her Mother happy). What we get to add to that is that she’s also extremely superficial (despite the author’s best attempt at making her deep), as her entire universe was brought to its knees because the pretty boy at school didn’t like her, and now that he’s less of an asshole Bella is “eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen.”

To quickly recap their entire relationship: She’s the new kid, he gives her dirty looks, she is emotionally distraught as a result, he gives her more dirty looks, she cries herself to sleep, he disappears for a week, they have a five minute conversation during biology where he’s nice to her.

That’s it. That’s the whole thing! She’s like Mikey from ‘Swingers’ desperate and sad and trying not to call the girl the same night he got a number.

I’m four paragraphs into Chapter three and we’ve established Bella is a caricature of a real girl, effortless cloaked in  the worst type of female stereotype. Overly emotional, clumsy, not-that-bright, and inexplicably attracted to men who treat her like shit. I can’t wait for Mazzy to be old enough to read this as a primer on the type of woman to not be.

The only redeeming thing thus far about the chapter is that there has been no mention of Edward Cullen’s hair. (Postscript Edit: Three mentions of his “musical” voice).

Bella proceeds to drive to school on the icy roads and makes it with little difficulty, discovering once she’s parked at school that Charlie (the loving thing she calls her Father) has put chains on her tires. This gives Bella an emotional and unexpected warm fuzzy and gives us, the reader, an excuse for her to be standing by her truck .Though, in my opinion Charlie isn’t all that caring, as if I woke up and saw that my daughter had to drive a relatively new vehicle (to her) in road conditions that she’d never driven in (she’s from Phoenix!) I’m not sure I’d throw some chains on and leave it up to fate.

Bella is getting out of her truck when another student’s van loses control and starts skidding toward her. Just prior to realizing she was about to be made sweet love to (van on girl style), she notices Edward standing by his car some distance away. The next thing she knows she’s miraculously saved from the van not once but twice by Edward who not only moved her out of the way of the initial collision but used superhuman strength to stop the van (leaving dents in the side) and lifting it up. Bella hits her head in the exchange but otherwise comes out unscathed, as does Edward.

No one seemed to notice a dude moving at superman speed or lifting a van except her. Convenient. She’s confused by the situation and demands Edward explain to her how he was able to move so fast… to which he replies, “I was standing right next to you…” thus setting up a very weird exchange (whittled down to mostly the dialogue):

“You were over there; you were by your car”

“No I wasn’t.”

“I saw you.”

“Bella, I was standing with you, and I pulled you out of the way.” He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial.

“No.”

The gold in his eyes blazed. “Please Bella.”

“Why?”

“Trust me.”

“Will you promise to explain everything to me later?”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

I realize I’m about to break protocol and reference things I know about this book that haven’t happened yet by Chapter three, but the fact that a hundred year old vampire is having this conversation with a seventeen year old girl makes me thing Edward is fucking retarded. It’s as if Edward hasn’t ever interacted with people while in his super-natural state… which we already know isn’t true… which is why this bugs me so much. Let her go ahead and tell people Edward is super-human. Who fucking cares? No one would believe her, particularly since she hit her head… but oh yes, we must also consider that Edward likes Bella and thus wants to give her an explanation; or accepts that he can give her one without her freaking-the-fuck out. Though, he doesn’t know her at all, let alone well enough to know she won’t go all psycho on him and stab him in public or something. Basically, I’m annoyed that Edward is catering to this naïve girl.

Either way, this exchange is ridiculous and shows just how weak the writing is.

The EMT’s take Bella to the ER for a bump on the head and she’s fine. Edward is there as well and we get to meet Edward’s “Father,” Dr. Cullen for the first time who’s also described as being young and gorgeous. Glad to see he’s put his lengthy time on the earth to good use by getting his MD… unlike Edward who’s been in High school for 80 years.

As she’s getting discharged, Bella pulls Edward aside to drag out the explanation for his super-human actions.

This is a continuation of the earlier conversation, but instead of trying to quickly placate Bella and shutting her up, Bella assumed he’s now in a position to make good and give her the explanation she wants. Instead, much to my joy, Edward essentially tells Bella she’s crazy and nothing weird happened… until this exchange:

“What do you think happened?”

“All I know is that you weren’t anywhere near me – Tyler didn’t see you, either, so don’t tell me I hit my head too hard. That van was going to crush us both – and it didn’t, and your hands left dents in the side of it – and you left a dent in the other car, and you’re not hurt at all – and the van should have smashed my legs, but you were holding it up…”

“You think I lifted a van off you? Nobody will believe that, you know.”

“I’m not going to tell anybody.”

“Then why does it matter?”

“It matters to me; I don’t like to lie so there’d better be a good reason why I’m doing it.”

“Can’t you just thank me and get over it?”

“Thank you.”

“You’re not going to let it go, are you?”

“No.”

“In that case…I hope you enjoy disappointment.”

We scowled at each other in silence. I was the first to speak, trying to keep myself focused. I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.

I want to beat Stephanie Meyer with a copy of her book. Not only have we established how good looking Edward is, but we can’t get through any scene without Bella fawning over him. This is the literary equivalent of a movie where every scene features the male star with no shirt on flexing. It’s horribly distracting and at this point beyond the point of gratuitous. We’re crossing into the realm of romance noveldom.

Continuing on:

“Why did you even bother?” I asked frigidly.

“I don’t know,” he whispered.

Let’s examine that a little further. “Why didn’t you let me die?” “I don’t know.”

Are you kidding me?

Bella would rather have been crushed by a van than not get the explanation of how she was saved? Talk about being unbelievable un-grateful and superficial.

Now, of course she doesn’t really think that, she’s just being manipulative and trying to use her emotions to get the information she wants… what’s more surprising is that Edward seems to fall for it. This is barely believable if they were both teenagers, but (again) he’s like a hundred years old, right? *Sigh* Every character in this book is stupid.

So, Bella goes home with Charlie (Dad) and the chapter ends with this gem:

“That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.”

And thus Chapter three comes to a close, and I’m honestly not sure how much more I can take.

Mentions of Edward’s hair in Chapter three: Zero (!)

See, this is what I’m talking about. Chapter two opens with his cliched gem:

“The next day was better… and worse.”

I can only assume the same will apply to this chapter. Better because maybe I’ll get some questions answered, and worse because any chapter that starts that hackneyed can’t be good.

So, why pray fuck, Miss Bella, is it better? Luckily she answers that in the next paragraph:

“It was better because it wasn’t raining yet. [...] It was easier because I knew what to expect of my day.”

Welcome to my second gripe of chapter 2. If I hadn’t read Chapter one and instead started here I would assume that something utterly terrible happened on her first day in school. That she was teased, mocked, slushied… SOMETHING bad. Instead, having read Chapter one, I know she had a pretty okay day that included meeting some very friendly people. What made her day SO bad was that the prettiest dude in school gave her some menacing looks. Are you effing kidding me? Bella is such a weak, hollow person that ten seconds of dirty looks from an attractive dude (have I mentioned his hair?) ruined her day?

The end of the first actual paragraph in Chapter two says, “I began to feel like I was treading water, instead of drowing in it.” This would make more sense if Chapter one included more on what she was feeling on her first day and less about what she was doing. Meyers got so caught up in the minutia she forgot to explain that her first day at a new school was an emotionally trying and exhausting experience and I’m left to infer that as if I hadn’t just read Chapter one and thought she had a pretty okay day.

Meyers also futher muddies the character of Bella by having her essentially integrated into the school by day two, having friends walk her from class to class and having her sit in a group at lunch.

Oh, and there’s this: “Mike came to sit by me in English, and walked me to my next class, with Chess Club Eric glaring at him all the while; that was nattering.” Nattering? Thesaurus writing at it’s worst. Maybe Mike was nattering on… but I’m not sure how Eric’s glaring at him was nattering. I need a collegiate English person to explain this to me because maybe I’m missing a proper context for that word.

Moving on. So why was your day worse, Bella?

“It was worse because I was tired. [...] It was worse because Mr. Varner called on me in Trig when my hand wasn’t raised and I had the wrong answer. [...] And it was worse because Edward Cullen wasn’t in school at all.”

Yup, you read that right. Here we are on day two and her day is ruined because the asshole who’s stare of death ruined her first day isn’t there. Now, Meyers tries to move this in the direction of it being bad because Bella wanted to tell him off, which I could completely accept if she hadn’t followed that with this, specifically in regards to doing just that, “But I knew myself too well to think I would really have the guts to do it.” So, to clarify; your second day is ruined because the guy who ruined your first day isn’t there and you won’t have the opportunity to puss out of the opportunity to confront him over it. Bella is quite possible the worst written character I’ve ever read and I’m still on page one of Chapter two.

So, we’re taken on an abbreviated second day at school with Bella. She’s walked to and from class by Mike, who clearly wants to “hit that” and she’s made friends and yet she frets all day because Edward isn’t there. Keep in mind that she’s not actually met or exchanged a sentence with the man. Though, luckily for Bella we’re given a clear understanding that she’s into guys who treat her like shit and not into guys who treat her nice. How do I know you ask?

“Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class. I held my breath at the door, but Edward Cullen wasn’t there, either.”

Here is a dude, who she’s known for two effing days, and he’s already annoying her by being friendly, meanwhile she’s pining for a guy who, in her own estimation, treated her like shit the day before. I fear this is an allusion to how the entirety of the series will go. Bella will ultimately choose the guy that treats her shittier than the others.

That particular dynamic of Bella’s personality is re-enforced with every mention of Edward Cullen and how distraught she is by the possibility that he doesn’t like her. There isn’t a mention of him in a negative context without a complimentary statement to nullify it. It’s frustrating as I think Meyers is trying to create a very cliched dynamic of Edward and Bella coming together despite a mutual initial dislike for eachother, but instead she’s got Bella all but humping Edwards leg.

So, after Bella’s second day of school she heads on home to cook some dinner and we’re given a little more information about Bella’s situation… I think. I’m not sure. Bella’s mom drops her an email and we find out that Mom is going to florida. Whether its a visit or a move I’m not sure. I think it’s a move which insinuates that Florida may be one of the reasons Bella came to Forks, and if so, it’s a really lame reason. We know that Bella was closer to no one above her Mom and the fact that she’s moving to Florida shouldn’t negate that.

Anyway, the middle of Chapter two if fairly benign. We fast forward through the rest of the week and the following weekend as Bella establishes a routine and some comfort. There are a couple of mentions about her misery (seriously, can we get this girl some paxil?) but otherwise she seems happy enough.

So it was better… until it got worse.

The rain has turned to snow and Bella has gotten used to not seeing Edward, who’s dirty looks still apparently haunt her… and then, squirt squirt, he’s back in the lunch room.

“They were laughing. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett all had their hair saturated with melting snow.”

Dear Ms. Meyers,

Enough already with the fucking hair!

Sincerly,

Merlin B. Love

So, Bella is staring at Edward across the dining room, and she notices something different, which essentially boils down to him looking less un-dead. Then the following exchange takes place:

“Edward Cullen is staring at you,” Jessica giggled in my ear.
“He doesn’t look angry, does he?” I couldn’t help asking.
“No,” she said, sounding confused by my question. “Should he be?”
“I don’t think he likes me,” I confided. I still felt queasy. I put my head down on my arm.

She feels queasy. This is the third time she’s interacted on any level with Edward and now he’s looking at her again and she’s ready to vomit, which in turn makes me want to vomit.

She heads over to Biology and sits at the empty desk thinking Edward isn’t there, until…

“Hello,” said a quiet, musical voice.
I looked up, stunned that he was speaking to me. He was sitting as far away from me as the desk
allowed, but his chair was angled toward me. His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he
looked like he’d just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel.

I can’t believe she mentions his hair again. Seriously Stephenie Meyer?!? SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HOLY BALLS FIND SOME OTHER FEATURE TO TALK ABOUT.

So, that conversation essentially establishes the very confusing proposition that Edward doesn’t hate Bella and apparently knows a bit about her. There is also the insinuation that the whole town knows about her coming to live there which again alludes to something happening in Phoenix. Whether we find out what that may be is, in itself, a mystery.

Let the interaction between beautiful man and stupid girl commence:

“I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot.”

“His hand caught mine, to stop me, as he asked. His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.”

“Which left me with nothing to do but try to not look at him… unsuccessfully. I glanced up, and he was
staring at me, that same inexplicable look of frustration in his eyes. Suddenly I identified that subtle
difference in his face.”

The three preceding quotes take place while they’re working on an in-class biology lab. Stephenie Meyers is to romantic tension like Barney the Dinosaur is to power ballads.

“Did you get contacts?” I blurted out unthinkingly.
He seemed puzzled by my unexpected question. “No.”
“Oh,” I mumbled. “I thought there was something different about your eyes.”
He shrugged, and looked away.
In fact, I was sure there was something different. I vividly remembered the flat black color of his eyes the
last time he’d glared at me — the color was striking against the background of his pale skin and his
auburn hair.

Do I need to point out the mention of his hair again? *Sigh*

So, this banter continues until we get this:

“Why did you come here, then?”
No one had asked me that — not straight out like he did, demanding.
“It’s… complicated.”

I admit that I’m excited that I’m finally getting an explanation of why Bella left Phoenix, and here is it: Bella’s mom married a minor league ball player who moves around a lot so Bella made the sacrifice to move to Forks so her mother could be happy.

That’s it. Seriously. I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it to… ‘Seriously?’ Yes. Seriously. The implication and build up was that she had to move because of some traumatic incident, but as it turns out its just her trying to do something nice for her Mom. I’m displeased.

So, this conversation between Edward and Bella gives us some answers (even if they are very contrived and hollow) and also establishes and Edward isn’t quite the asshole that Bella was making him out to be… which isn’t surprising, since the dude has great hair.

Chapter two winds down with Bella tearing out of the parking lot because Edward was staring at her.

Here’s a few things we established in this Chapter:

1. Bella has no respect for her friend Mike, and equates his niceness to that of a loyal dog.

2. Despite Bella thinking Edward an asshole, he’s not… just mysterious.

3. Asshole or Mysterious, Edward has great hair.

I’m looking forward to Chapter three. This is less like reading an interesting novel and more like reading a parody of an interesting novel.

So, I’ve had a few fans of Twilight read this blog and come down on me a bit with a variety of arguments.

Here they are in a nutshell:

1.) They’re not meant for adults

2.) They promote hopeless romanticism

3.) The writing is bad, but the story is great.

So, here’s my quick thoughts on those in order.

1.) Aiming at a young audience doesn’t mean that you’re aiming at a stupid audience. For example, the Harry Potter series aren’t stupid (mostly because JK Rowling doesn’t throw cliches or adverbs into every paragraph).

2.) With my limited understanding of the series (as I’m only up to Chapter 2) Everybody seems to agree that Bella is a weak character and that the dynamic between her, Edward, and Jacob in the later books essentially breaks down to a weak women and who would take care of her best. That’s so NOT a lesson I want my daughter to learn.

3.) You can’t have one without the other.

I can’t believe how bad the writing is. This is like someone deciding to make a porno, jerking off on the lens, and thinking they’ve made a masterpiece. I can only assume the editor started working on this and got about four pages in and just gave the eff up.

Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The preface done, the book opens up and we’re in the head of a seventeen year old Bella in a car on her way to the Phoenix airport to fly to Forks, Washington. The Chapter is entitled “First Sight.” This is presumably in reference to her meeting Edward Cullen.

Here’s a brief synopsis of Chapter one before I give you my thoughts thus far.

Chapter one sees our “heroine” moving from Phoenix to Washington because of some reason we’re not given yet. Her mother apparently fled her husband (the Chief of the Forks police) to Phoenix when Bella was young, and despite that Bella has been spending summers in Forks for quite some time. Her dad, whom she calls “Charlie” gives her a beat up old pickup as a present, and she goes to her first day of school. She bounces from class to class meeting new people when, as she is eating her first lunch in the cafeteria, looks across the room to see a group of pale, sullen, beautiful students sitting in a corner and not eating. She’s immediately smitten with one in particular, Edward, whom she ends up sitting next to in Biology class where he looks at her with such hatred and contempt that by the end of the day she’s ready to cry.

There… that’s the nuts of Chapter one.

Reading the first chapter of this book felt a lot like reading a first draft fiction piece written by a tenth grader. I’m lucky this was an eReader and not a physical copy because I would have been tempted to red pen the fuck out of the margins with questions. I want to tackle this as completely as possible, so I’m going to proceed in a linear fashion, using quotes as examples of my confusion and consternation.

Here’s where things start to go downhill for me. The sixth sentence of chapter one says, “It rains on on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America.” Now, first of all, that’s not factual, but that’s not what bugs me here. This sentence is tied to a paragraph that basically says Forks is a horrible, sullen, depressing place that no person in their right mind should live. This is furthered two sentences later when she says, “It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old.” The language here is important for setting up the town. Her mother escaped, implying the town itself was confinement. She didn’t say her mother escaped her father, or the marriage, she’s talking about the town and tying that sentiment to Forks.

Then shit gets strange: “It was to Forks that I now exiled myself - an action I took with great horror. I detested Forks.” Okay, I know you hate Forks. You just spent an entire paragraph telling me how awful it was. And WHY ARE YOU MOVING THERE? Why would ANY SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL voluntarily change high schools, inviting the scorn of being the “new kid,” and move to a town she hates. I’m guessing that question gets answered for me at some point, but as it stands now I want to punch Bella in the face. Repeatedly. I want to strap her to a table in a room sheathed in plastic and adorned with pages from the first chapter before I get her to admit General Zod floating through space had more depth than her before I plunge a very large knife into her chest. (The new season of Dexter just started filming btw, and Julia Styles and Jonny Lee Miller have joined for season 5!) This game of “I hope she explains this at some point” continues when Bella says regarding her decision to move; “I knew [My Father] was more than a little confused by my decision - like my mother before me, I hadn’t made a secret of my distaste for Forks” …and then…. NOTHING. How about one fucking sentence that references or makes implication of whatever the reason is that she’s moving. Some fucking foreshadowing would be nice. Why give me a character who clearly has motivations then not even hint at what is motivating her? Who is this Bella girl? Why is she out heroine? Why should we care? There are no answers in Chapter one. I’m hoping for more out of Chapter two.

Continuing on; Bella arrives in her town and is picked up by Charlie her dad… whom she calls Charlie… which implies they are not close nor have they been close. Except she’s spent every summer with him since she can remember. Oh, and he has all of her school pictures in his house. Oh, and she’s FUCKING MOVING IN WITH HIM. The author is trying to make this relationship not matter, but in doing so makes me wonder why Bella is so emotionally vapid. Her father can’t be an abusive dude, as what teenager volunteers for that? So, what’s the deal here. Again, hoping this pans out down the road.

Charlie picks her up at the airport and there’s awkward small talk and Charlie tells Bella he bought her a car, which ends up being a 50’s era truck. This is one of those things that seems like its foreshadowing something down the line, and maybe it is, but it mostly feels like it’s just writing to fill the page. The truck is given character and if that character comes into play later great, but if it ends up just being her ride throughout the book this is just taking up space.

So, they get back to her house and she sets up shop in her childhood bedroom. This sequence ends with this bit, “It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape. I wasn’t in the mood to go on a real crying jag. I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.”

Oh for fuck’s sake I want to punch her in the throat. Here we have a girl, who made the conscious decision to uproot her life and move to a place she hates and now she’s crying about it. Are you fucking kidding me? If the reason she left Phoenix doesn’t turn out to be a pregnancy gone wrong, a date rape, or some other tragedy (maybe she’s an illegal alien fleeing the new immigration law! See… I’m angry AND topical). So she’s resolute in her decision to move to her own personal hell, and yet she’s crying about being there. I hate her so much.

It’s shortly after that we get out first physical description of Bella. She’s an ivory skinned, slender but not toned brunette. She talks about how she’ll never fit in, blah blah blah - bottom line, she’s an average looking girl… which, according to her tone and demeanor (“Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror…”) isn’t good enough. Since she’s not a supermodel, she’s ugly. Strongest literary heroine ever! That’s right girls, if you’re not hot, you’re fugly. Now go to bed and cry about it…

And after she cries, but before she falls asleep she says, “I didn’t relate well to people, period. Even my Mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on this planet, was never in harmony with me.”

Not to beat a dead horse here, but if she was the person you were closest to on the planet why did you leave?

Okay, finally in Chapter one we get Bella’s first day at her new high school. Reading this story literally made me throw my hands up a couple of times in the international sign for WTF. Every other paragraph contradicts the construct of Bella’s character. She says she’s shy, then she’s chatting it up with a stranger in the hallway. She AGAIN says she’s shy, then she’s having lunch with seven strangers at lunch. So, is she shy? Because it seems she has a fairly easy time meeting people and making friends. I’M CONFUSED STEPHANIE MEYER. Most of the first day of school is Bella feeling self-conscious and displaced in a sea of fresh teenager, while contradicting herself and not even mentioning in her thoughts to us, the readers, what the FUCK SHE IS DOING THERE.

Then it happens… we’re in chapter one and the book jumps the shark. Sitting in the Cafeteria chatting with seven strangers, she looks across the room and sees a group that doesn’t seem to belong. Five people, all varying degrees of being reschlongulously hot. The last was, “lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair.”

And thus, we get our first glimpse at Edward, and his hair.

He sits with a group described as beautiful, pale, and inhuman NOT eating their food on their trays, and everyone in this school seems to not care. Huh? Da fuck? Oh sure, every high school has it’s cliques, however my high school didn’t have the “looks like they could be in college or teachers“, “devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful“, “chalky pale“, with “dark shadows under their eyes [...] as if they were all suffering from a sleepness night“. Are you effing kidding me? These people just hang out in the cafeteria with a tray of food they’re not eating, trying to not look conspicuous, and that works?

Dear Ms. Meyer,

I am not a fucking idiot.

Sincerly,

Merlin

We’re told all five of them live together and that they moved a couple of years back from Alaska, and they’re all adopted. Then, with all the subtlety of a prison shower rape, Meyer draws our line of connection between Bella and this odd group. “I felt a surge of pity, and relief. Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief that i wasn’t the only newcomer here, and certainly no the most interesting by any standard.”

The curtain closes on this first glimpse when Edward looks up and meets Bella’s gaze with “some kind of unmet expectation.”

“Which is the boy with the reddish brown hair?” Okay, we get it. You noticed his coif. “he was still staring at me, but not gawking like the other students had today - had had a slightly frustrated expression.”

Sixth period is biology (metaphor?) and Bella gets put in the only empty desk, RIGHT NEXT TO EDWARD CULLEN, the dark and steamy one. “Next to the center aisle, I recognized Edward Cullen by his unusual hair.” Okay, seriously. Enough with the hair. You didn’t notice it was him because he’s un-fucking-dead? Maybe the fact that he’s pale, or graceful, or any of the other thesaurus orgy adjectives you used… but again with the hair?

Here’s where it gets weird. The entirety of the class is spent with Edward basically giving Bella the stare of doom while she waits for him to unclench his fist. Yes, that’s it. “The class seemed to drag on longer than the others. Was it because the day was finally coming to a close, or because I was waiting for his tight fist to loosen?”

What’s up with Edward giving Bella the stink eye? “He was glaring down at me again, his black eyes full of revulsion.” I’m sure we’re going to get a little Sam and Diane animosity before they ultimately come together. I’m sure of this because it’s so morbidly cliche that Meyer can’t resist.

And apparently his look is so powerful that it set’s Bella off. She is so angry she about to cry! During the walk to the next class we meet Mike, who introduces himself to Bella in hopes that he can eventually hit that shit. He asks her why Edward was so weird in class, and she’s intrigued why his behavior was seemingly so odd.

After all her classes are done she heads to the office for a bit of paperwork and there’s Edward talking to the school administrator trying to get transferred out of Biology class. Bella assumes it’s all about her. The best part about this are these two sentences:

“He was arguing in a low, attractive voice.”

“‘Never mind, then’ he said hastily in a voice like velvet.”

This is so blatantly heavy handed that I again feel the need to reach into the book and slap her. The insinuation here is that his attractiveness actually trumps the fact he’s an asshole. I love it! This book is so on the top of my ‘important life lessons for girls’ list.

When Edward realizes she’s there he leaves she turns in her paperwork and ends up in her car trying not to cry…. because the most attractive dude in school seemingly doesn’t like her on the first day.

So, there it is. Chapter one. Bella is already the worst type of girl. If Meyer was trying to establish her heroine as a whiny, weak, weepy, stupid girl easily swayed by an attractive man…  mission accomplished.

Oh, did I mention his hair?

You’re doing what?

I’m not really sure why. Maybe morbid curiosity. Maybe I want an insight into the psyche of the teenage girl in preparation of being a parent of one (in ten years)…. or maybe, just maybe, I can’t resist the temptation to educate myself about the travesties that occur in popular culture so as to be better prepared to tear them down.

I’m fortunate that Twilight hasn’t entered my household. My wife hasn’t bent to peer pressure to read them. Its possible I’ve done enough bashing them conceptually that she fears reading them out of the possibility to be grouped with the Twilight fans and incur my wrath as a result. I’ve come to readily bash any mention of the franchise though any form of social or traditional media. Also, my daughter is four, and thus is not ‘Team Edward’ nor ‘Team Jacob’ nor a ‘fucking idiot.’

See, that’s my problem. I’ve become adamantly anti-Twilight, and I’ve only ever read the first 50 pages. I’ve gone to a snap judgment and feel its possible I’ve been unfairly dismissive of this world wide phenomenon.

It’s for that reason that I’ve decided to read, in it’s entirety, The first Twilight Book. I’m trying to do so with as much of an open mind as possible, but it’s hard to not have the feeling of immense doom that comes from going to the dentist or a urologist.

Fear not, for I have not spent money on the book. Let’s just say I’ve borrowed it.

Part I: The Beginning

I scroll through the list of books on my eReader and finally find the entry I’m looking for. It’s entitled “STEPHENIE MEYER” without the room for the book title. I’m already annoyed. “Stephanie” is the proper spelling of that name. “Stephenie” sounds like it should have a small heart to dot the ‘i’ and she went with the extra ‘e’ because the ‘a’ looked too fat.

I begin the forward: “Ma dell’albero della conoscenza del bene e del male non devi mangiare, perche, quando tu ne mangiassi, certamente moriresti.    - GENESI 2, 17

Sonofabitch. I acquired a copy in the wrong language. Italian. EFFING Italian! (I wonder if it’s less shitty in Italian?)

[Imagine someone playing thrilling Circus Music while I try to find an English Version]

Let’s try that again: “But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that though eatest thereof though shalt surely die.” -Genesis 2:17

Okay, here’s what I take from that: Some shit is going to go down in this book where someone must make a choice that will cause significant harm (I’m assuming emotional trauma) in exchange for some flavor of enlightenment. From what little I know of the Twilight lore thus far, I can only assume this is a substantially heavy handed allusion to love and choosing who you love. I’m less than excited by this beginning.

Oh, I missed the summary on the title page: “When seventeen-year-old Bella leaves Phoenix to live with her father in Forks, Washington, she meets an exquisitely handsome boy at school for whom she feels an overwhelming attraction and who she comes to realize is not wholly human.

Oh dear God, this is terrible. Why do Vampires live in Forks, Washington? Why, assuming he’s not a fresh vampire, does he go to school? Why would a teenage transfer high schools in her senior year? That’s batshit crazy! I mean, any teenage knows they don’t want to spend their last year of high school going through the ostracization that being the new kid has to offer. I can only assume that either Bella is so egotistical that she thinks her hotness will overcome, or (and more likely) she’s such a knob that she isn’t leaving any friends behind and isn’t planning on making one. I bet she’s a cutter. Or a bulimic. Or a bulimic cutter.

Okay, welcome to the preface… it’s a… wait. I should stop before I incur the wrath of all Twilight fans Googling shit and finding my blog.

SPOILER ALERT FOR EVERY POST I EVER POST ABOUT TWILIGHT IN ANY FORM.

Okay, you’ve been warned.

The preface… we get a snapshot of someone being killed… in Forks, Washington. Someone, presumably some future un-dead character to be established in this book dies by the hand of someone called ‘The Hunter.’ If its Bella, our presumed main character, and Ms. Meyer just revealed above the bold of ‘Chapter 1′ that she dies, that’s bush league and cliche. So, to give her the benefit of the doubt, I’m assuming Bella lives and this is a vampire fellow who’s doing the dying.

“I knew that if I’d never gone to Forks, I wouldn’t be facing death now. [...] When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.”

Again with the Forks, Washington shit. If this book doesn’t explain why that town, and if I google that town and find Ms. Meyer grew up there, I’m going to be annoyed more than I already am.

So, we’ve got a heavy handed bible quote, a short first person preface about dying in Forks even though it was worth it (which do go hand in hand… ) and we’ve finally reached Chapter 1….

To be continued.

Recently, while reading through the modern equivalent of my morning newspaper (i.e., Facebook’s News Feed) I noticed a pattern of repeated inappropriate use of emoticons and internet slang. Not one to be overly combative I’ve held off on posting scathing rebukes of this gross misuse, and have instead opted to combine all that rage into this singular blog posting.

To give a brief history of how and when emoticons and various slang acronyms cropped up into the general lexicon, we have to start with the early days of the World Wide Internet (It’s a series of Tubes), and go all the way back to UseNet.

Usenet was and is a text based communication system developed out of Duke University in the early 80’s. During the early days of the internet (and my personal history with the internet) UseNet and Bulletin Boards were the only method of widespread personal communication (I.E., finding porn). These “turn” based communications were limited because it involved no reasonable way for live discussion. You would post a reply and wait for someone to reply to use. This was the predecessor to the modern ‘forum’ found on many sites, as well as the microblogging world of Facebook and MySpace.

Wanting instant gratification to your witty comment in-turn led to IRC (Internet Relay Chat) which did offer a live element to chatting via the first “Chat rooms.” All this text based communication was in it’s infancy when I started and it all eventually led to where we are now with Facebook, SMS, MMS, and a variety of other methods of communication that don’t include actually opening our mouths and speaking to someone.

I personally really got my feet wet on MicroNet, a Bulletin Board community based in Sonoma County. You’d have to open a text based dialer (BitComet, Telix, Hyperterminal if you were desperate), input a phone number, and in a matter of a 2400 baud screech you’d be met with an ANSI graphic and a login prompt. it was there that I first encountered “LOL” and it’s cousins “ROTF” and “ROTFLMAO” (along with various other abbreviations / acronyms). Not long after I discovered IRC and live chats. In those early chat rooms the lettered acronyms flourished, but emoticons really took on an importance in conveying the correct emotional implication to a statement. Not long after, those newly learned rules of netiquette overflowed into my first AOL Account (AOL 1.5). Here emoticons were fast and furious and chat rooms buzzed with activity (complete with the ubiquitious “A/S/L” which thankfully died along with those services).

With more and more people using Chat rooms, internet slang and emoticons began to take a solid hold in our everyday lives. Not long after the web itself took root and free email services like hotmail and yahoo provided everyone with an email address who wanted one… It’s about this time the problems began.

I’d receive an email from someone with a line like, “So I got totally trashed last night, LOL.” While not an entirely inappropriate use of “LOL” it’s not quite right either (I personally would have gone with a “<g>”).

Since then, with the widespread adoption of microblogging via Facebook and Twitter, rampant misuse of internet slang has run amok.

Inappropriate uses:
“I was going to clean today, but now it’s sunny and I’m heading to the park! LOL!”
“OMG, I’m so hungover! LOL!”
“Works better if you can also stay off facebook, lol.”

Why:
When posting / writing a sentence to be consumed by an online audience, the “LOL” above is being utilized to ensure that the true meaning of your sentence isn’t misinterpreted. By Adding “LOL” above, its superfluous as it’s safe to assume that we get the contradictory fun of the statement without it. If “LOL” was meant to infer a thumb in the eye to the cleaning aspect of the day, a simpler “Ha!” would have been more appropriate. If LOL was meant to infer you had a good time drinking last night and hence the hangover was worth it, the winking emoticon is required here. Alternatively, the “tongue-out-emoticon” would have also sufficed (”:-p”) for all three.

Appropriate uses:
Post: “I am so hungover ;-)”
Reply: “heh.”
Second reply: “<g>”

Post: “I was going to clean today, but now it’s sunny and I’m heading to the park! :-p”
Reply: “ha!”

Post: “Works better if you can also stay off facebook ;-)”
Reply: “lol”

Remember, in real life you don’t have to say “Get it?” after every joke. Similarly, you don’t have to put “LOL” to imply you were making one. Really, it’s best to reserve “LOL”, “ROTF”, “ROTFLMAO” as REPLIES to other people’s jokes. Historically emoticons were used to convey the appropriate tone and inference to a statement, while internet slang acronyms were for quick, one handed replies while you chugged Mountain Dew and shoved red vines into your face hole.

So people, learn how to use the internet properly, and stop making damn fools of yourselves. >:-(
It’s embarrassing to the people who’s been here a while. Like watching your dad dress up like Eminem and rifle off a Flava-Flavian “booooooooooyyyyyyyyyyy” every so often. If you’re still unclear as to what all the emoticons or acronyms are, then my suggestion is: RTFM.

~El M

Post Script: It is REALLY bad etiquette to sign your emails in the same way someone else does. For example, if someone signs their emails “>L<” it is exceptionally rude to reply back signing yours “>J<”.